Erin's 28th birthday

Today, February 26, 2011, is Erin's 28th birthday. Berry and I went to the cemetery and took 12 melon colored roses and we orange and white balloons. We met Sharon, Carol, Audry and the little girls Hannah and Erin (named after our Erin) there to release those balloons into a clear blue sky. There was bright sunshine as we released the balloons while we sang "I hope you dance". It seemed the balloons did dance as they quickly rose up, up, up and out of sight. Sharon shared that she felt Erin told her all she wanted for her birthday was for her mama to be happy.
I want to be happy. But I haven't found that path in this great grief that weighs so heavily on me. I know that Jesus bore our griefs on the cross and He, too, was a man of sorrows, according to Isaiah.
I don't like having to go visit a grave and put flowers and balloons on it. I had much rather be planning a surprise birthday party, like Erin used to love on her birthday.
I didn't choose this path. But I know that God's plans are higher than ours. Even though I don't understand, I know that I can trust the heart of God. Though He causes pain, yet, somehow He will give us the strength to bear whatever cross He decides we need to bear in this life. Even Jesus said in this world we'd have tribulation. But..He said to be of good cheer that He had overcome the world.
So I walk this path. I cry a lot. Some days I may smile or even laugh. But there is a huge hole in my life that nothing yet has filled. I miss my daughter who was such a big part of who I am. I am trying to find an identity without her here on earth with me. I am clinging to my son and husband and the few friends that God has put in my path.
But this was about Erin's birthday. She is 28 today. And, yes, I do believe we should still celebrate birthdays. If our children are in Christ, they live still. They live in Heaven. If they are alive, why shouldn't we celebrate birthdays. I will as long as I have breath. I will help others to remember Erin all the days of my life. I won't let her memory fade. Some who are very close to me seemed to ignore her birthday. It hurts me very much that they don't call or visit the grave. They act as if she didn't ever exist. But I will keep her memory alive. She is not really dead but is alive in Heaven and one day we will all be there with her. I believe that with all my heart.
Erin, my sweet girl, your mama loves you so much. I wish you the happiest birthday ever. And, I hope you are dancing in Heaven with all your loved ones there. And maybe tonight I will see a little light dancing in the darkness here and know that it is you.
Love you a whole bunch,
Mama

In my heart

In my heart I see a little girl, long blonde hair, bluest eyes you've ever seen leaning on her elbows on my side of the bed as I opened my eyes. "Momma, fix me some oatmeal" comes the sweetest little voice as I wake from a night's sleep. Oh, the memories .. how they flood my soul.
When I woke this morning I could hear that voice that became so familiar to me for 23 years. I saw a flicker of light and realized that you, my Erin, were near. I could hear you telling me it's gonna be all right. Jesus loves you more than you know. Don't worry about things. God has it all under control. And then you disappeared once again.
Last week,for the first time, I panicked as I realized I couldn't remember your voice. Then, just as suddenly as that thought came, I could hear you like you used to call saying, What are you doing, mama? or I could hear you calling Jeff so loudly he'd have to hear. I could see that time you'd get so tickled and laugh so hard. You laughed with your eyes as well as your beautiful smile. And I loved every minute of it. I just took for granted that you would always be here, laughing or talking with me on the phone or driving in my driveway and just wanting to spend time with your mama, daddy, and brother. You loved us so well. You worried about us. You were happy with us and sad with us. You found out all the latest fashions and kept me up on things in the community. I just thought you'd always be beside me even into my old age. I thought that one day I'd live out the life I shared with my own mama as I took care of her. I said, Well, Erin will be here to help me too one day. Never in my wildest or most horrible dreams did I even think for a moment that you would go to Heaven and leave me here on earth.
In my heart, there is something that hurts more than anything I've ever experienced now. Because I have experienced a parent's worst nightmare...my child being where I can't reach her... can't touch her, can't wrap my arms around her and tell her it will be o.k.
But, I go back in my mind to when you were just a few weeks old. Oh, how proud we were the day we laid you into Pastor McCurry's big strong hands and gave you back to God to use in any way He saw fit. We never realized, when we promised to raise you to know Jesus and honor God and even allow you to go to the foreign mission field should He call you there, that He would call you back home to Heaven and we'd have to release you into His keeping when you were only 23 years old. We never even imagined that God would take you back to Himself and use your life to touch others even after you were gone. But that was His plan, not ours. Oh, how it hurt. We can't question God's wisdom. But I have wondered so much why He had to do that...why He had to break my heart..no crush my heart to bring glory to His name.
But He is God. That's the bottom line. I won't understand. But it doesn't matter.
He helps me to keep living. I don't even know how I live some days when the day is through. I stay up as late as I can so I can get some sleep, even if it is little.
I know that I will wake to another day without you. I savor the moments that I ahve seen visions of you and you were so completely happy in the Father's Heaven. I savor the fleeting moments of light when I can hear you talk to me. Some might thing it strange. But I know that you are only a breath away. That, in Jesus, you live forever and where He is you are there, too. And He is very near. I feel His Holy Presence so much of the time.
I miss you, my angel girl. I have a lifetime of memories with all the fun we had and all the light and love you brought to daddy, me, and David. We will never forget you, my Erin, never...ever. You will live with us until the day we are all together again at last.
I love you a whole bunch (just like we used to say to each other)
Mama
February 11, 2011 (just 15 days from your 28th birthday) and I miss you crazy bad! I've cried so many tears God will have to have buckets instead of bottles to hold them all. He said in Psalms He bottles up all our tears. I think I'm cried out and then they start flowing again.