Erin's 28th birthday

Today, February 26, 2011, is Erin's 28th birthday. Berry and I went to the cemetery and took 12 melon colored roses and we orange and white balloons. We met Sharon, Carol, Audry and the little girls Hannah and Erin (named after our Erin) there to release those balloons into a clear blue sky. There was bright sunshine as we released the balloons while we sang "I hope you dance". It seemed the balloons did dance as they quickly rose up, up, up and out of sight. Sharon shared that she felt Erin told her all she wanted for her birthday was for her mama to be happy.
I want to be happy. But I haven't found that path in this great grief that weighs so heavily on me. I know that Jesus bore our griefs on the cross and He, too, was a man of sorrows, according to Isaiah.
I don't like having to go visit a grave and put flowers and balloons on it. I had much rather be planning a surprise birthday party, like Erin used to love on her birthday.
I didn't choose this path. But I know that God's plans are higher than ours. Even though I don't understand, I know that I can trust the heart of God. Though He causes pain, yet, somehow He will give us the strength to bear whatever cross He decides we need to bear in this life. Even Jesus said in this world we'd have tribulation. But..He said to be of good cheer that He had overcome the world.
So I walk this path. I cry a lot. Some days I may smile or even laugh. But there is a huge hole in my life that nothing yet has filled. I miss my daughter who was such a big part of who I am. I am trying to find an identity without her here on earth with me. I am clinging to my son and husband and the few friends that God has put in my path.
But this was about Erin's birthday. She is 28 today. And, yes, I do believe we should still celebrate birthdays. If our children are in Christ, they live still. They live in Heaven. If they are alive, why shouldn't we celebrate birthdays. I will as long as I have breath. I will help others to remember Erin all the days of my life. I won't let her memory fade. Some who are very close to me seemed to ignore her birthday. It hurts me very much that they don't call or visit the grave. They act as if she didn't ever exist. But I will keep her memory alive. She is not really dead but is alive in Heaven and one day we will all be there with her. I believe that with all my heart.
Erin, my sweet girl, your mama loves you so much. I wish you the happiest birthday ever. And, I hope you are dancing in Heaven with all your loved ones there. And maybe tonight I will see a little light dancing in the darkness here and know that it is you.
Love you a whole bunch,
Mama