Happy Birthday to my sweet Erin 29 today

Still missing you

My Erin,
We just had another Christmas, just your daddy, David and me. It still is not the same without you. We think of you still every single day. And now a new year has started. I see many of your friends having babies and getting on with life. But I sure do wish you and I could have seen your babies. I wish I had had grandbabies to brag on like so many I see on facebook. I hope David has children, so I can brag on them. But I will always wonder what your children would have looked like. Would they have had blonde hair and blue eyes, or maybe red hair and green eyes. I know they would have been beautiful, just like you. Christmas always takes me back to your and David's childhood days. I didn't really realize how fun filled they were until now. We had so much fun didn't we. Now it's just very quiet here. We always get David whatever he wants, but there are no little children running around and we don't even go around the other family. It's just too painful.
I know you are in Heaven and these burdens of earth can't hurt you. I'm so glad you aren't having to see the shape the world is in now. People don't seem to care very much about each other anymore. I wish they did. I try to give to others, many times in your memory.
I miss you still, my sweet girl. I always will until I am where you are now.
I love you,
Mama

Fall, 2011

Changing seasons

My sweet Erin,
The season is changing from summer to fall. I miss you so much! As the cool weather sets in and the leaves fall and the flowers fade, my thoughts turn to all the wonderful years we shared. All your school days and the preparation for a new school year..the shopping, the buying of school supplies, enrolling in extra curricular activities..all of it was so much fun and brought such joy to my life.
Oh, how I miss sitting down and just talking to you or the many phone calls I got from you. Now the phone is pretty much silent. Kelsey, your cousin, calls everyday just to chat. But other than her, we don't get many calls. David is still at home. He has missed you so much and has fought depression at every turn, as have your daddy and me. But God has sustained us and bought us some decent days and, yes, even a little laughter.
I've met a number of other moms on the MISS grieving site. Some of them have become very close and are good friends. We've often wondered if you met their child and got us together to help us comfort each other. I'll bet you have. You always loved people.
Well, this is a quick "miss you" note. I'll never stop missing or longing for you, my sweet daughter, until you are in my arms again.
I love you more today than yesterday, but not as much as tomorrow!!
Mama

I'll see you again

My sweet Erin,
Not a day goes by without many, many thoughts of you! I see a shopping mall, a little girl, a familiar store where we spent time together. And I think of you.
I see a sunflower or a flower in the yard that you planted. And again you are on my mind. I go into the attic to store some silk flowers and there is a little doll or a Barbie Camper set and I think of you. I open a book and you wrote your name there many years ago and I think of you. I look at the sadness in your daddy's eyes and I think of you. You are always on my mind.

How does a mom keep living when she buries a child? She hurts deep inside every day. She hides the tears from her other child and husband to keep them from feeling the pain. She keeps washing dishes, vacuuming the floor, shopping for groceries. She keeps busy to keep from feeling the gnawing pain of sorrow. She wears a smile when she greets a friend. But she alone knows that the smile doesn't mean what it did before. She survives life and, all the while, she is looking forward to the day she enters Heaven's Door and there she is...her beautiful Erin..my beautiful Erin and my little Heather girl who I never held in my arms. She waits. She hopes. She dries the tears and keeps living for the ones who are left..

I never forget you. You are always on my mind!

I love you now. I loved you then. I love you forever.
Mama

The Rose Beyond the Wall

The Rose Beyond The Wall
The Rose Beyond The Wall - A. L. Frink
This is another nice poem that has many variations, the original, plus one simple and effective adaptation is here

Near a shady wall a rose once grew,
Budded and blossomed in God's free light,
Watered and fed by the morning dew,
Shedding it's sweetness day and night.

As it grew and blossomed fair and tall,
Slowly rising to loftier height,
It came to a crevice in the wall
Through which there shone a beam of light.

Onward it crept with added strength
With never a thought of fear or pride,
It followed the light through the crevice's length
And unfolded itself on the other side.

The light, the dew, the broadening view
Were found the same as they were before,
And it lost itself in beauties new,
Breathing it's fragrance more and more.

Shall claim of death cause us to grieve
And make our courage faint and fall?
Nay! Let us faith and hope receive--
The rose still grows beyond the wall,

Scattering fragrance far and wide
Just as it did in days of yore,
Just as it did on the other side,
Just as it will forever-more.

A. L. Frink

The Rose Beyond The Wall
A rose once grew where all could see,
sheltered beside a garden wall,
And as the days passed swiftly by,
it spread its branches, straight and tall...

One day, a beam of light shone through
a crevice that had opened wide
The rose bent gently toward its warmth
then passed beyond to the other side

Now, you who deeply feel its loss,
be comforted - the rose blooms there-
its beauty even greater now, nurtured by
God's own loving care.

I thought of you with love today

I thought of you with love today but that is nothing new
I thought about you yesterday and days before that too,
I think of you in silence I often speak your name
All I have are memories and your picture in a frame
Your memory is my keepsake with which I’ll never part
God has you in His keeping I have you in my heart.

In loving memory of Erin Fitzpatrick Jones

Laura Harris, a dear friend from the MISS foundation, made a wonderful video of Erin's life. It's here:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RkU4oSlg8So

or you can just click on the title to this post and see the video.

Five Years

Five long years have gone by. Oh, how I miss my sweet daughter, who loved me and her dad and brothers so well. And she really, really loved her husband, Jeff. Five years ago last night during the night sometime, Erin took her flight to the unknown Heaven with Jesus. I say unknown because we've only read about Heaven. But I know she is there. I have often wondered what she does in Heaven. There is no time limits so whatever she loves she can do it as long as she wants. Erin loved people. So I imagine she is surrounded by her loved ones and friends who are there.
Jesus called it Paradise. So it must be wonderful.
Here on earth we are surrounded by trouble and trials every day. Berry is having trouble with his health, which distresses me. But I know that God is in control of all of it. David has improved his health and seems happier, for which we are very thankful. I still cry when I look at Erin's pictures. Erin and I shared everything. WE were very, very close. She worried about us as much as we worried about her all the years she was growing up. She made life so good for us..so much fun. She knew all the latest trends in fashion and style. She knew so many people in our area..even knew what kind of vehicle they drove when we'd meet them on the road.
I remember riding over to her house one night, I think to look at her Christmas lights or it might have been to ride over to where Jeff had made a beautiful wrought iron gate for someone. Erin was so proud of Jeff's work and she wanted me to see it.
Well, that night she and I got to the end of my street and saw a double rainbow in the sky. It was so beautiful. It was not long before she went to Heaven. I wondered later if it was a sign. So many memories over those 23 years and 3 days. So many wonderful memories of a love that a mother cherishes until the day she dies.
The saddest part is that we also lose the future on earth with our child. While I see on facebook how other people my age are having such fun with grandkids, I know Erin and I won't share that. People say well, you have David. And I do look so forward to seeing David's children should God bless him with them. But I wanted to enjoy Erin's children too. We would have had such fun.
But I have to go on living..living with the missing and hurting as a grieving mom. Some have said that I need to get over it or put it in the past. But what parent puts their child in the past, even if they have to leave this earth too soon..or at least too soon for us. What parent just goes on like nothing happened when they have buried the most precious thing on earth? I still get up each day, breathe in and out, and put one foot in front of the other. Some days even that is hard. I survive. I keep trying for David and BErry. I want to be here to see David's future, his wife, his children and to grow old with Berry. I survive. But part of who I am went to Heaven with Erin. It's just the way it is.

So, Erin, it's been a very, very long 5 years today for me. I'm glad, for you, that you don't have to suffer in this life and see what is happening in the earth. I'm glad you were spared that at least. But I miss you so much. And I love you so much, too.
Mama

Erin's 28th birthday

Today, February 26, 2011, is Erin's 28th birthday. Berry and I went to the cemetery and took 12 melon colored roses and we orange and white balloons. We met Sharon, Carol, Audry and the little girls Hannah and Erin (named after our Erin) there to release those balloons into a clear blue sky. There was bright sunshine as we released the balloons while we sang "I hope you dance". It seemed the balloons did dance as they quickly rose up, up, up and out of sight. Sharon shared that she felt Erin told her all she wanted for her birthday was for her mama to be happy.
I want to be happy. But I haven't found that path in this great grief that weighs so heavily on me. I know that Jesus bore our griefs on the cross and He, too, was a man of sorrows, according to Isaiah.
I don't like having to go visit a grave and put flowers and balloons on it. I had much rather be planning a surprise birthday party, like Erin used to love on her birthday.
I didn't choose this path. But I know that God's plans are higher than ours. Even though I don't understand, I know that I can trust the heart of God. Though He causes pain, yet, somehow He will give us the strength to bear whatever cross He decides we need to bear in this life. Even Jesus said in this world we'd have tribulation. But..He said to be of good cheer that He had overcome the world.
So I walk this path. I cry a lot. Some days I may smile or even laugh. But there is a huge hole in my life that nothing yet has filled. I miss my daughter who was such a big part of who I am. I am trying to find an identity without her here on earth with me. I am clinging to my son and husband and the few friends that God has put in my path.
But this was about Erin's birthday. She is 28 today. And, yes, I do believe we should still celebrate birthdays. If our children are in Christ, they live still. They live in Heaven. If they are alive, why shouldn't we celebrate birthdays. I will as long as I have breath. I will help others to remember Erin all the days of my life. I won't let her memory fade. Some who are very close to me seemed to ignore her birthday. It hurts me very much that they don't call or visit the grave. They act as if she didn't ever exist. But I will keep her memory alive. She is not really dead but is alive in Heaven and one day we will all be there with her. I believe that with all my heart.
Erin, my sweet girl, your mama loves you so much. I wish you the happiest birthday ever. And, I hope you are dancing in Heaven with all your loved ones there. And maybe tonight I will see a little light dancing in the darkness here and know that it is you.
Love you a whole bunch,
Mama